Archive for the ‘Articles’ Category
HALLE BERRY MAY HAVE GOTTEN HER OSCAR BUT I’M STILL AFRAID OF TIDAL WAVES
Sunday, January 20th, 2008THE GATE AND THE SUFFERING OF CHILDREN
Friday, July 20th, 2007THE GATE
Simone Weil (1909-1943) was a French philosopher and social activist. In terms of her philosophy, “The Gate” is both a poem and a central metaphor. Her poem, “The Gate,” describes Man’s journey to God, which culminates in Man’s ultimate inability to pass into heaven. According to Weil, it is Man’s true purpose in life to stand before The Gate, and direct his gaze beyond, toward God. However, no matter how hard he tries to penetrate The Gate, Man is doomed to fail.
Man’s faith and his acceptance of unjustified suffering as conditions for salvation have brought him to the base of The Gate – it is now up to God to cover the final distance.
The Suffering of Children
For Weil, suffering and affliction are the ultimate means to Man’s salvation. As she stated: “Any attempt to deny our misery and construct a happy life is based on lies and delusions. Our only purpose in this life is to learn to love God, not in spite of the prevailing affliction, but even because of it. [1]
But, isn’t there a limit to how much suffering is acceptable? It is a question that has been asked by literary and philosophical giants for centuries. One such figure that challenges Weil’s philosophy is the character Ivan Karamazov from Dostoyevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov. Ivan cannot reconcile individual suffering by accepting particular cases as incidental. This denial that suffering has meaning results in his renouncement of a higher harmony: “I don’t want harmony. I don’t want it, out of love I bear to mankind. I want to remain with suffering unavenged and my indignation unappeased, even if I were wrong. Besides, too high a price has been placed on harmony.”[2]
Ivan rebels and refuses to be part of a system of salvation that necessitates individual suffering. He is particularly distressed with the suffering of children. In trying to determine why children suffer, he refuses to accept any larger construction other than that innocent children suffer: “I want to stick to the facts. I made up my mind long ago not to understand. For if I should want to understand, I’d instantly alter the facts and I’ve made up my mind to stick to the facts.”[3]
The facts tell Ivan that children often suffer horrible fates and brutal deaths. Ultimately, for Ivan, if the sufferings of children are the quid pro quo for purchasing truth, truth is not worth the price: “It is not worth one little tear of that tortured little girl who beat herself on the breast and prayed to her “dear, kind Lord” in the stinking privy with her unexpiated tears. It is not worth it, because her tears remain unexpiated.”[4]
In her essay on “Evil,” Weil responded to Ivan’s rebellion:
I am in complete agreement with this sentiment. No reason whatsoever which anyone could produce to compensate for a child’s tear would make me consent to that tear. Absolutely none which the mind can conceive. There is just one, however, but it is intelligible only to supernatural love: “God willed it.” And for that reason I would consent to a world which was nothing but evil as readily as to a child’s tear.[5]
Weil can accept the suffering of a child where Ivan cannot because of her unrequited obedience and faith that there is a legitimate reason for suffering. She cannot prove to Ivan that every case of incidental suffering will result in individual harmony and grace; she can only have faith that it will.
What does any of this have to do with us in 2007? Maybe nothing, but consider the terribly short life of Christopher Michael Barrios Jr. of Brunswick, Georgia. According to indictments in the case, Christopher was sexually assaulted in March 2007 by a convicted child molester and his father (who had plead guilty to incest in 1994), while the molester’s mother watched. The despicable trio then choked the boy to death. A “family friend” assisted in the cover-up, completing a lopsided quartet of adults versus one helpless six-year-old.
Christopher loved Spiderman and, according to his father, always said “goodnight, God Bless, and I love you,” before he went to bed. He was abducted while playing on a swing close to his home.
Like many children who suffer similar fates, Christopher’s resting place became a trash bag dumped on the side of the road, about three miles from his family’s mobile home.
Brunswick is a small town in Southern Georgia, which is nestled close to the Atlantic coast and dates back to 1771. My lasting mental association with Brunswick was the rotten egg smell of the pulp and paperboard plants as I crossed railroad tracks on U.S. 17, which snakes its way through south Georgia and down into Florida. The concrete road seemed to me to have the highest concentration of auto body shops and Quality Motor Inns of any road in the U.S. highway system. The frequent slamming doors of a domestic dispute brewing across the hall dominated my overnight stay at a U.S. 17 motel in Brunswick, before I escaped to the serenity of a Saint Simons Island’s inlet the following morning.
Saint Simons Island is just east of Brunswick, connected by a long causeway which spans the Saint Simons Sound. A little further north is the exclusive enclave of Sea Island. Brunswick, Saint Simons, Sea Island and nearby Jekyll Island comprise Georgia’s “Golden Isles.” In the 1920’s, prestigious clans with names like Vanderbilt, Rockefeller and Goodyear established Jekyll Island and Sea Island as vacation retreats for the wealthiest industrialists.
By 2007, some of the names had changed, but Sea Island is still populated by Captains of Industry and Masters of the Universe from the corporate, entertainment and sports worlds. The private Sea Island is home to The Cloister, a five-star resort that boasts $800 a night hotel rooms and hosted the G-8 Summit several years back. The Heads of State, combined with the island’s indigenous residents, created a ridiculous concentration of global muscle, but the impotent, fleeting power could do nothing to protect a small child less than five miles away.
Christopher’s story hit the national papers and TV tabloid news shows with the force of a hurricane but then, for the most part, quickly disappeared from the national consciousness. Frankly, you can only absorb so much inexplicable suffering before you are dying to return to rooting for your favorite team to win The Amazing Race 11 or get the latest Internet update on whether T.O. actually pulled or only “tweaked” his hamstring.
You see, the more you know, the more you are forced to confront the fact that evil truly does exist.
In The Brothers K, Ivan introduces us to The Grand Inquisitor – the man who rebuked Christ for giving Man too much freedom. Man was given the freedom to choose between good and evil and yet, there is nothing more tormenting. If given the choice, how many people would accept that responsibility today?
The Grand Inquisitor views Man as Man perceives the common herds: as wild beasts who are concerned solely with being fed with material bread, and not spiritual virtue. In the end, Man will be happy because The Grand Inquisitor will make all of the good versus evil decisions for him:
And they will be happy, all of the millions of creatures, except the hundred thousand who rule over them…we alone shall be unhappy. There will be thousands of millions of happy infants and one hundred thousand sufferers who have taken upon themselves the curse of knowledge of good and evil.[6]
So which one is it, then? Are we herd-like creatures who live a predominantly material existence, concerned only with sustenance from food, TV, sports, and shopping, or do we possess a consciousness that elevates us above the beasts into that rarified air where illusions dissipate but suffering clutches around your heart like a vice slowly crushing your skull.
I am asking myself, and so I ask you: Are you one of the happy herds, or one of the ones left waiting at the foot of The Gate, miserable, starving, and just a little bit confused about what the fuck you are doing there.
THE END OF THE GATE AND THE SUFFERING OF CHILDREN
[1] Michael K. Ferber, “Simone Weil’s Iliad” in Simone Weil: Interpretations of a Life, ed. George Abbott White (Amherst: The University of Massachusetts Press, 1981), p. 68.[2] Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (New York: Penguin Books, 1979), p. 287.
[3] Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov, p. 284.
[4] Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov, p. 286.
[5] Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace (London: Routledge, 1952), p. 126.
MAID CART THIEVERY
Friday, July 20th, 2007I once heard someone say it is conceited to hold yourself out as an expert in anything. Label me narcissistic, but I cannot restrain myself from proudly proclaiming that I am highly skilled in hotel maid cart thievery. Once you have declared yourself an expert, however, I believe you have a solemn obligation to share some of your knowledge with the succeeding generation.
Here’s how you can become skilled as well:
- You’re Either Born With It Or You’re Not. If the desire isn’t there, give it up; you’ll never make it. In my case, even after 20 years, I still have the passion. 200 small bottles of hand lotion and over 50 mini-sewing kits simply aren’t enough. (Remember: taking towels from the room is for amateurs, so don’t bring that shit here).
- Picking The Best Time To Strike The Target. This is a sixth sense you will develop over time but I will let one tip out of the bag. Find a maid who has the TV tuned in to soap operas while she cleans. A perfect time to strike is just before a commercial break as a cliff-hanger unfolds. Every time the words “You’re not my brother … you’re my son!” are uttered, a plastic shoe horn is swiped at a hotel somewhere around the world.
- Size Up The Maid Well. Some housekeeping employees aren’t very concerned about guarding those miniature Scope bottles with their lives; for others, it’s actually their mission in life (as if they had filled each one by hand). Put your machismo aside and walk away from a hard target. It just isn’t worth it. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about (and I have stacks of Thom McAnn shoeboxes overflowing with mini shampoos from the 1970’s turning orange to prove it).
- If You Must Attack The Hard Target, Work In A Team. If you’re a cocky upstart that ignores my previous advice, at least work with someone as a team. Who you select as your accomplice is, of course, up to you. I have found that girlfriends and spouses make loyal Maid Cart Thieves. At first, they scoff at the thought, but fairly quickly, they have their own shoe boxes stuffed with cotton balls, Q-tips and Bliss Spa facial cleansers that, blown up to normal size, would cost $35 a bottle. (By the way, if they ever start loading women’s shoes onto maid’s carts, all hell will break loose). The best role for the novice accomplice is that of “The Distracter.” A trip to the ice machine is perfect for two reasons: (a) it gives The Distracter an excellent cover (“I need some ice for my Diet Coke”); and (b) in extreme cases, when the shit hits the fan, The Distracter can barricade themselves in the ice machine alcove.
- Now You’re Ready For A Sophisticated Move. After several scouting missions, casually locate your prized possession on the cart. If you’ve made it this far, you are ready to attempt the rarest of maneuvers – “The Agent 44.” Considered too dangerous by today’s Young Turks (who foolishly call the concierge with their toiletry requests), The Agent 44 is named after the Control spy from the “Get Smart” television show. Agent 44 was a master of undercover disguise, often secreting himself in couch cushions, wood-burning stoves and mail boxes. For our purposes, it means hiding between the linens and pillow cases neatly piled on the inside of the cart. While the bewildered housekeeper is wondering why someone has barricaded themselves in the ice machine alcove, stealthfully nab that coveted bath mat with the embroidered Ritz logo or the combination Hilton ball point pen/letter opener. Similar to a Kung Fu Deathblow, for your own safety, The Agent 44 should only be attempted by experts.
- Don’t Let Yourself Get Soft. When I stay at a luxury hotel, I always refuse the “turndown” service but then moments later steal a bath towel and 4 chocolate squares from the cart.
- Rich Targets. Hotels in foreign countries are rich targets because naïve Euros are unaware of Maid Cart Thievery. The exception is Nigeria, where your identity will be swiped by the maid as you gleefully crouch beside her unattended cart.
- Lasting Fun. Maid Cart Thievery is not just a skill to pass on to your children and grandchildren; it’s actually a lot of fun. While I do admit I have more “Tampa Bay Today!” magazines than I will ever need, other swiped items have led to secondary hilarity. For instance, stationary comes in handy when you want to impersonate a hotel manager to scare the shit out of a buddy by sending a letter to his wife: “It has come to my attention that some inappropriate and unnatural things occurred during your stay here at The Knights Inn in Las Vegas, including, without limitation, an incident involving bestiality. Yours truly, A. C. Pennypacker, Proprietor.”
Searching for Bruce Springsteen
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007In the 1980’s New Jersey, the quest to be present when Bruce Springsteen magically appeared in some aging Jersey Shore bar was a crusade of mythic proportions. (more…)
THE BRIDGE AND TUNNEL CROWD
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007In the chic nightclub world of Manhattan, many people were ashamed to admit they were a card-carrying member of the so-called "Bridge and Tunnel Crowd" — the unfortunate orphans who lived in New Jersey, Staten Island and the outer boroughs, but who worked and played in Manhattan. During the 1980’s, I was proud to be included in that group, even at the moment of truth when my commuter identity was revealed. Like perfecting an art form, we’d cut it as close as we dared and then hurriedly bolt Limelight or Odeon. Looming behind us, but often taken for granted, The Twin Towers of the World Trade Center anchored Lower Manhattan. Usually, I snagged a cab to Penn Station at 33rd Street and 7th Avenue to catch the last New Jersey Transit train of the night. Despite scoffs from the privileged as I exited the club, I relished my role in the order of things. With many obstacles ahead, only the composed and wily survived Bridge & Tunnel Darwinism.
If I missed the 1:35 a.m. NJ Transit Trenton Local, a little known back-up was The Night Owl Amtrak train which originated from Boston, passed through New York City, and, amazingly, made a 3:45 a.m. stop at Metropark Station in Iselin, NJ. If I could out-maneuver The Blarney Stone Beggar, who cried out for "A Goddamn penny to eat!" and blocked the 8th Avenue entrance to Penn Station, I could hop on the Amtrak and make it to within 2 miles of my house.
Among other amenities NJ Transit lacked, the Amtrak coaches had a bar and cafe car that served a delicious microwaved cheeseburger. The succulent meat was accentuated by gobs of American cheese that crystallized into pellets on the cardboard carrying tray, creating a special after-burger treat. I would stumble back to my seat, both hands gripping the tray, hoping not to get tossed out an open car door onto unused rails that segregated Elizabeth, NJ. Oblivious that stunned mourners had lined these same tracks to watch the Robert F. Kennedy funeral train pass by 20 years before, my fellow riders hunched over their trays and, with the help of a "7 and 7" or Miller Lite, washed the cheeseburgers away.
One particular night, instead of my usual routine, I headed to Hoboken — via a PATH train — to crash with some friends. The PATH trains run through various points between Newark, Hoboken, Jersey City, 33rd Street in Manhattan and the World Trade Center. Called "The Tubes" by old-timers, the PATH trains are to a Jersey Bridge and Tunneller what the subway is to a New Yorker. I never understood "The Tubes" reference until I saw old photographs of the Trade Center’s construction; underground chutes from the Jersey side of the river guiding the trains into the WTC Station some 80 feet below.
I expected to be in Hoboken in 20 minutes; a cakewalk compared to the usual 1 hour 20 minute ride to my house. Leaving the Village, I grabbed a cab and headed for the 33rd St. PATH Station. Part of the night-time scene in Manhattan was locating and going to unmarked places — the hyper-trendy club whose velvet rope and red carpet magically appeared at 11:00 p.m. outside a former immigration office, or the hip tavern whose back entrance was a French country wooden door hidden in the corner of the courtyard of a non-descript West Village apartment building. The entrance to this particular PATH Station was similarly concealed. A stairway in the middle of a pedestrian island a few blocks off Herald Square led to the subterranean station.
I disappeared below ground as cars and people raced by above me. Still dressed for work from 6:30 that morning, I would be conspicuous in my grey pin-striped suit and floppy, yellow polka-dot bow tie. At this early morning hour, I worried that I would be only one of several people down there, and a prime target for a mugging. My concern dissipated, however, as I felt the nervous energy of a crowd float up like steam through a grate. As I got my first look at the Hoboken-bound platform, I was shocked to see a horde of people anxiously peering into the dark empty tunnel. To add to the anxiety of 600 people waiting for a train designed to hold 400, a voice from a hideout announced that due to continuing "equipment problems," this would be the last train out for the night. The pulsating music and crowded dance floor of the club I had just left with "Shake Your Groove Thing" in full swing can certainly raise your heart rate, but the adrenaline rush of jostling for a spot on the last train out takes your body chemistry to a new height.
I quickly took up a position near the end of the line, about four rows deep. No words were spoken; everyone knew what everyone else was thinking as a faint white light appeared in the tunnel.
As the car doors opened and people poured in, I jumped into an opening two rows in front me and let the desperate push of those in the very back carry me into the train. Once inside, the challenge was to get near something to hold; otherwise, the inevitable short stop would send me flying. The fear of being thrown to the ground outweighed the customary concerns of being pick-pocketed. I fortunately made it to a handrail and settled in for the short ride to Hoboken. As the train pulled out, I counted two people with canes and a young woman with a walker among those stranded on the platform.
The mood of my fellow tired and cramped riders was pretty ugly. I would’ve guessed the strongest smell would be body odor but it actually was Nathan’s French Fries being munched on by someone in my car.
I made eye-contact with a drunken behemoth in cover-alls as I allowed him three inches of precious space on the overhead handrail so he wouldn’t lose his balance and crush me.
"Look at us," he shouted above the rumble. "What the hell are we doing here? Is this any way to live? We’re sweating like fuckin’ pigs while the rest of the world’s asleep!"
He’s not exaggerating that much, I thought. We were embarking on a trip that would take us under 500,000 sleeping New Yorkers.
Although I had turned the music off, I still had the headphones of my Walk-Man over my ears. I smiled slightly and nodded.
After getting no verbal response, he pointed at me and addressed the crowd: "Look at this guy! It’s 3:30 in the morning and he’s still in his fuckin’ suit!"
As the train picked up speed, I made an important discovery - we were heading for the World Trade Center; not the normal course for a Hoboken-bound train. Following the Behemoth’s lead, I dangerously yelled out: "This train’s headin’ for World Trade!"
"Bullshit!" The Behemoth immediately responded without the benefit of any factual inquiry.
I was quickly proven correct as we entered Exchange Place Station.
"The cherry in the suit’s right!" The Behemoth yelled, genuinely distressed.
From over the Behemoth’s shoulder I heard a man telling his wife in Spanish that the kid in the suit was right; we were indeed on our way to World Trade, easily doubling our trip travel time.
To the PATH contingent of the Bridge and Tunnel Crowd, the World Trade Center was the gateway to New York. Invariably during my high school and college years, if I heard of someone who worked in the City, I thought of the Trade Center. My classmate’s uncle who was an undercover Port Authority officer; the object of your affection’s noveau-riche father who worked on Wall Street; the hundreds of lawyers toiling away in gigantic skyscrapers named after banks; the unofficial brotherhood of tan trench coat-wearing, pizza slice gobbling, Wall Street Journal reading zombies; all either worked in or passed through the Trade Center every day.
A bastion for the successful, it was a portal of promise for the rest of us also. The PATH carried legions of young people in blue and gray power suits holding a single copy of a hastily crafted resume for that "first job out of college" interview. Even when an interview didn’t go well, you remained optimistic because, grabbing a hot dog from a cart in the plaza by the WTC fountain, you were literally surrounded by 50,000 people with jobs. A college education wasn’t even required. In fact, tales of high school drop-outs who had become "runners" on Wall Street and could buy and sell you and your father were legendary. See that 22 year-old in the blue smock drooling on his NYSE badge while napping on the PATH? How much does he make?
I never worked in the Trade Center, but did work for several years just a few blocks away at One Chase Manhattan Plaza. That meant I passed through WTC to get to the PATH at least twice a day. My 57th Floor office in One Chase would be remarkable in its own right anywhere else, but in the shadows of the 100 plus stories Twin Towers, it wasn’t even worthy of comment. The Twin Towers defined the area. Even my boss - a nationally-revered litigator who lived his life well above the fracas - was intimately familiar with the street scene surrounding World Trade. If you were lucky enough to have been sent out to get him a couple of hot dogs, he directed you to the Hebrew National Cart on Maiden Lane; the apparent victor of an informal sampling of the multitude of street vendors in the area. Others swore by Sabrett, with the colorful umbrella and ice cold Yoo-Hoo.
Unlike the trendy bistros of Midtown or the Upper East Side, the food emporium near World Trade was largely embodied in carts, wagons and refurbished trucks. I was most suspicious of "The Great Wall of China" - a converted Mister Softee ice cream truck with a rapidly twirling aluminum spinnaker that appeared to have bored its way through the thin metal roof. With no other visible means of power, I concluded the mobile franchise was serving nuclear baked General Tso’s Chicken.
Coffee and donut carts, half the size of a mail truck, were also plentiful. Unusually large men squeezed in behind trays of baked goods, as piping hot coffee flowed from silver urns large enough to wire a platoon. As if on cue, nearly every morning I heard the snap of a brown paper bag as I passed the donut cart at the base of One Chase and another sugar fix was fulfilled. Even in a city of culinary superlatives, I wasn’t surprised when "Best Donut in Town" scribbled in black magic marker on the side of a pushcart actually meant something.
We pulled into a deserted WTC Station, and, after an inexplicably brief stop, pulled out.
Just as we all had acclimated to the tension and heat, our relative peace and calm was disrupted by two bone-jarring whacks, which could only have been the sound of someone getting punched in the face. Although the train car was already packed to capacity, somehow the passengers nearest the fight pushed the rest of us back even further.
The exhausted adrenaline everyone had felt quickly surged into a "fight or flight" energy but the immutable laws of physics kept it bottled up tightly.
Thwacks quickly became taunts. "C’mon, fucker! You’re nothing!"
A woman cried out: "Somebody please, do something. He’s beating his girlfriend!"
Just as the situation had reached its boiling point, from somewhere deep in the car, I was startled by the authoritative sound of a whistle, blurting out strong, continuous signals. The response was immediate. I got up on my toes and watched the seemingly unmovable crowd part and create an unobstructed path to the fight. I could now see the combatants - two fellow Bridge and Tunnellers, one in a New York Rangers jersey and the other in a New York Islanders jersey, embroiled in their own "Get Home Anyway You Can" experience. That there was a transit cop on the train when we needed one had to give my fellow Bridge and Tunnellers some assurance that all was right with the world.
Moving briskly though the crowd, holding a whistle between his teeth and continuing to sound the charge as he strutted, was not a policeman though but a young Puerto Rican man. I can’t tell you what clothes he had on, but I know he had a shiny silver whistle hooked to a thick silver chain, as wide as a dog choke collar. Part MacGyver and part urban referee, he quickly encountered the hockey enthusiasts, who, by this time, were weak in the legs and holding on to each other’s jerseys. Clearly confused by the whistle blowing, the fighters came to rest as the car pulled into a deserted Exchange Place Station, somewhere beneath the no-man’s lands of Jersey City. As the car doors opened, the young man grabbed each fighter and, spinning around, flung them out of the car and sprawling onto the station platform.
Everyone on the train exploded into applause while The Equalizer bowed and mouthed "Thank you. Thank you very much," to his newest fans. As the train pulled away, I could see the bewildered homers pulling themselves up off the ground. With no more trains coming, their Bridge and Tunnel survival skills would surely be tested; they would even be forced to work together if they hoped to somehow make it home that night.
The spirit on the train instantly became lively; we went from subterranean gloom to raucous double-decker party bus on a sunny St. Patrick’s Day. We pulled into a deserted Hoboken Station ten minutes later.
I climbed a stairway to the street and walked along the abandoned docks and overgrown brush that lined the shoreline. Less than several thousand feet across the river were the Twin Towers. They oriented me whether I traveled through Hoboken on foot, was lost in the maze of Lower Manhattan side streets, gazed out from the roof of a SoHo walk-up, or crossed the Jersey wastelands on the glorified pinball rails known officially as The Pulaski Skyway.
It was well into early morning now. I continued past stalled waterfront re-development projects while just across the river sat not only the Trade Center, but other priceless properties - The Woolworth Building; Trinity Church; and the Statue of Liberty; uncontestable proof that real estate is absolutely arbitrary.
I made my way to the Old Clam Broth House Restaurant and surrounding nightspots on Hoboken’s waterfront. This was Sinatra Country. I no longer felt conspicuous in my suit. I hesitated at the door of one of several establishments that were still open. I was wired and exhausted at the same time. It had been a very long day; should I shuffle the final five blocks to my buddy’s place?
I looked back across the water. I easily traced my steps from SoHo to Midtown to the Trade Center and across the river. On the surface, all was quiet. But I knew better. A beacon at the top of One World Trade blinked a steady message. Lights were still on at "Windows on The World," the incomparable restaurant on the 107th floor of One World Trade where countless Bridge and Tunnellers (and others from all over the world) had gotten engaged or celebrated some other special occasion. I’ve always heard people refer to the "island" of Manhattan; it may be surrounded by water but to me it’s always been very connected to the world beyond. The spirit of the city was too strong for any PATH car or train tunnel to contain, and I knew that if I held it for a moment, I could take it with me wherever I went.
I dusted some tunnel grime off my suit coat, straightened my bow tie, and flung open the door to the tavern. As I approached the smoky haze surrounding the bar, it wouldn’t have surprised me at all if The Behemoth, The Equalizer, or any of the other New Yorkers I had encountered that night, were waiting for me inside.
The End of The Bridge and Tunnel Crowd
OLD NEWARK BLUFF (ONB) TIPS
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007Find a full service gas station. On your way to the restroom, locate the Mr. Coffee machine used by the mechanics. Invariably, it will be located near the back office. On average, you can rely on the "Sorry, I thought it was free coffee" line 4-5 times before being asked to never show your face again.
If at anytime you hear "It puts the lotion in the basket" coming from the back office, ditch the coffee and GET OUT OF THERE FAST. There are limits to what one should do for free coffee.
Caffeine combats the addictive chemicals fried into McDonald’s French Fries. Therefore, generously feed your infant drops of coffee to give her a fighting chance not to become a McZombie.
SOME GREAT PLACES TO ENJOY COFFEE
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007Cafe Du Monde, New Orleans
With the sun rising and the fog clearing over the banks of the Mississippi, not much beats a cafe au lait as the city starts to come alive. Catch a riverboat, mime, fortune teller and jogger all in one glance just before you take the first creamy sip. (more…)
THE TRUTH BEHIND FLUTIE’S HAIL MARY PASS
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007Some might think the key to Doug Flutie’s success on the football field was his superior vision, impeccable timing, or other well-honed skills. Only I know the truth: the source of his excellence is the lucky charm he took from me over twenty years ago. I don’t think the initial theft was premeditated, and once the power was unleashed, I can’t blame him for not giving it back.
It happened at Boston College in the summer of 1983 — no Flutie heroics had yet been performed on the national stage; no last-second "Hail Mary" pass to beat Miami in the Orange Bowl before a national television audience; no Heisman Trophy, no catapult into the all-time lore of college football.
I was at home in New Jersey working a summer factory job filling nail polish bottles by hand. Hanging from one of the fire sprinklers of my dorm room throughout the 1982-83 school year was my lucky charm: a "W.C. Frito" pencil topper eraser. Three inches long, green and bearing a striking resemblance to W.C. Fields, the eraser had my life on a serious upswing. Vastly superior to the Frito Bandito eraser that was part of the same marketing scheme, WC Frito had been solely responsible for making my sophomore year the best ever for me. It cleared my head of the acetone fumes that had soaked in at the factory the summer before to the point where understanding Hegel’s dialectic became as second nature to me as solving Rubik’s Cube (if you consider slamming the torture toy up against the wall until it shattered a "solution").
When I left school that June, I made the biggest mistake of life and left WC behind. All summer I was paranoid that someone would abscond with my lucky charm. But, not too worry; no one was allowed in the dorms during the summer. My plan was to simply get back to BC before classes started and retrieve my future.
Turned out, the football team got back to school in August for summer practice. Turned out, Mr. Flutie had moved into the dorm room I had occupied the year before. Turned out, Mr. Flutie was in my old bedroom when I arrived but Mr. Frito was not. (This is the part of the story where my psycho-therapist tells me to calm down and visualize that Mr. Frito is actually helping an abandoned child who is really in need).
I was surprised to find the door to my old dorm room ajar when I arrived on campus 3 days before the beginning of the school year. A Hall and Oates song floated from the room like a pleasant smell; that made me realize I hadn’t seen my "Private Eyes" album in some time but I won’t even go there.
Seizing the moment, I walked in but was quickly met in the front hallway by Doug. I calmly explained that I had lived in the room the year before and had forgotten something in the bedroom. I was mildly surprised when he immediately answered that there was nothing in there. I further explained that it was silly but it was a small good luck charm that he wouldn’t have even noticed hanging from the ceiling. I must admit, I felt a connection with him at that moment, especially given that we both were sporting attractive MacGyver-style mullets.
I was able to get past him — neither his offensive line nor his blocking fullback were home at the time — and made it to the bedroom. WC was gone. I took Doug at his word that he "hadn’t seen it," and then scurried around campus asking if anyone had seen a janitor whose luck had recently changed. Given his performance that day, years later I wondered why Doug had never crossed over into acting like Howie Long or The Boz.
Everyone I tell this story to thinks I’m crazy, and they mistakenly lump it in with some other theories of mine that, I admit, I have not been able to completely substantiate (such as that Giant Pandas are actually Chinese men dressed in Panda suits — a goodwill marketing promotion orchestrated by the Communists. Sure, they’re awful on human rights, but they can’t be all bad because they have those cute Pandas; or that Harry Connick Jr. shows up at my hotel every time I go on vacation; or that being able to throw your voice is ultimately the key to being successful in business).
My lone supporter from my Boston College days called me excitedly one afternoon and relayed the following: He was watching Doug manufacture a 4th Quarter come-from-behind victory for the Buffalo Bills and noticed how the other players gathered closely around him in the huddle. The announcer stated the reason was that Doug needed to keep his hands warm in order to keep his passes crisp. As the camera zoomed in, my friend said he caught a glimpse of Doug rubbing the WC Frito prior to the crucial third down play. What starts as a trickle can become a river.
I know many of you think I am a loser, or a pathetic whiner or both. But, I am neither a sloth nor a slacker; in fact, I have expended great energy over the years trying to replace WC instead of just sitting around and sulking. My first attempt was the plastic mannequin leg I smuggled out of the nail polish factory late one Friday night while my co-workers drove-off in rusted Oldsmobiles to blow their entire paychecks in Atlantic City. Though I had some jovial times with The Leg (it was a family favorite), it never brought me the luck that WC Frito did. Eventually, I got sick of the incessant comparisons to the "Leg Lamp" that tormented the wife and embarrassed Ralphie in "A Christmas Story" (the only movie, by the way, to have appeared on TBS more times than the ferret action-packed classic, "The Beastmaster"), and tossed the Leg in a nearby dumpster. (Even the addition of a rubber, beautician’s practice mannequin head and top hat to the top of the Leg to give it more of that magical "eraser-effect" didn’t help).
My second attempt at replacing WC was a faithful, talking stuffed bear named "Rudy," who had accompanied me and several friends on a road trip from
I realize that the WC Frito Eraser isn’t the greatest luck charm in the world, but they just aren’t that easy to come by (see, among others, the Holy Grail, unicorns or wedding day brides, and I Dream of Jeannie bottles). I don’t begrudge Doug all his success, and I know life still has many challenges for him. However, I can’t help but wonder how things might have turned out; not that I could’ve beaten Miami, won the Heisman, or led a team to 3 Grey Cup Championships, but maybe I would have enjoyed more athletic success than the 5-4 record I have amassed over the years in pickup wrestling matches (I carry my singlet and headgear with me at all times). At the very least, maybe I wouldn’t have had to hear a poet-friend of mine who doesn’t follow football interrupt my telling of this story to excitedly say, "Wait. You mean the guy who did that awesome drop-kick?!"
Doug, if you happen to read this, I won’t say another word if one day WC Frito shows up at my door, tenderly protected in bubble-wrap, in an envelope bearing no return address.
END OF THE TRUTH BEHIND FLUTIE’S HAIL MARY PASS
A GUIDE TO PRE-1985 VENDING MACHINE COFFEE
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007Always wondered where to get day old coffee? (more…)
SUBTERRANEAN KAFKA
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007__________________
The world will offer itself to you to be unmasked; it can?t do otherwise; in raptures it will writhe before you.
Franz Kafka
Reflections On Sin, Suffering, Hope, and the True Way
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If you happen to notice the term "Kafkaesque" being used in a magazine, newspaper or Internet article, or book or movie review, invariably it is in connection with the description of a giant beetle or an individual suddenly thrown into the nightmarish world of a mammoth bureaucracy. For example, Swedish pop group "Day Behavior" sings: "Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club band is lethal/I see Kafkaesque scenes of waking as a beetle." Arianna Huffington describes the "Kafkaesque" bureaucracy of this nation’s school system. An article on Linux security asks: "Mandatory Access Control: Silver Bullet or Kafkaesque Nightmare? Part 2." To "Average Joe" Joe Brancatelli, AOL telling him he can’t get his usage information via e-mail is "Kafkaesque." Last but not least, Dilbert, the final arbitrator of all things Corporate America, receives e-mail pleas from his Faithful describing "Kafkaesque" tales of business expense deductions being disallowed by internally inconsistent company policies.
Surprisingly, given the generous use of the term across many spectrums, you won’t find any analysis of the subject around which most of Kafka’s writing revolves: the nebulous "Law" and its pernicious affect on the modern individual.
In many of his works, including The Trial, The Castle, "The Judgment," "Before the Law," and "An Imperial Message," Kafka presents the "Law" as the omnipotent, intangible controlling force which is constantly at odds with, and yet removed from, his protagonists. The elusive Law appears to be the source of power for the court system in The Trial, for the Castle hierarchy in The Castle and for most other instrumentalities of authority in Kafka’s fictional universes. The Law pervades everything and yet remains totally inaccessible to man. The Law’s trial process is incomprehensible to the accused, as are the court’s exalted hierarchies and the unknown power that presides over them. The court system is manifested by an endless string of insignificant officials, each of whom knows only a small portion of the Law and are totally subservient to the supreme authority that exists somewhere in the distance. The gargantuan bureaucratic machinery of the court system becomes an evil depiction of a world of expediency and rationalism.
While "The Metamorphosis" is the most quoted of Kafka’s works, Kafka more directly examined the Law’s supposedly rational system of justice in his short story "In The Penal Colony." A foreign traveler is invited to witness the execution of a soldier condemned to death for disobedience and insulting behavior. Neither the traveler nor the penal colony itself exhibits much interest in the execution. The Officer overseeing the execution, on the other hand, zealously protects and preserves the penal colony’s brutal rituals of punishment and its intricate killing apparatus known as "the Harrow;" all of which were developed years before by the former commandant who was soldier, judge, mechanic, chemist and draughtsman, all in one. The Officer religiously follows the guiding plans drawn by the godly former commandant. This "script" — when shown to the traveler — is revealed to be a labyrinth of lines, crossing and recrossing each other, which covered the paper so thickly it was difficult to discern the blank spaces between them.
The condemned man — who is chained before the Harrow like a submissive dog — does not know his crime or his sentence. As the Officer explains, the crime is revealed to the prisoner only as the Harrow inscribes it on the guilty man’s body.
Can you follow it? The Harrow is beginning to write; when it finishes the first draft of the inscription on the man’s back, the layer of cotton wool begins to roll and slowly turns the body over, to give the Harrow fresh space for writing. Meanwhile the raw part that has been written on lies on the cotton wool, which is specially prepared to staunch the bleeding and so makes all ready for a new deepening of the script. Then these teeth at the edge of the Harrow, as the body turns further around, tear the cotton wool away from the wounds, throw it into the pit, and there is more work for the Harrow. So it keeps on writing deeper and deeper for the whole twelve hours.[1]
Kafka’s Harrow machine is perhaps his single best physical representation of the Law. The Harrow, with its intricate display of gears and cogwheels functioning in perfect sequence, embodies the notion that the Law’s justice system is based on a total belief in rationalism; that is, an implacable faith in a scientific universe governed by fully comprehendible principles. The corollary notion, as expressed by the Officer, is that through the functioning of such a rational system of justice, one receives "enlightenment."
But how quiet he grows at just about the sixth hour. Enlightenment comes to the most dull-witted. It begins around the eyes. From there it radiates. A moment that might tempt one to get under the Harrow oneself. Nothing more happens than that the man begins to understand the inscription, he purses his mouth as if he were listening. [2]
In a bizarre reversal of fortunes, the condemned man is set free, and the Officer places himself on the Harrow, fully assured that he will be bestowed with the promised enlightenment. At the simple wave of the Officer’s hand, the Harrow adjusts itself to accommodate the Officer’s exact height, size and weight. Instead of the expected glow, however, the Harrow goes berserk and the Officer receives through his forehead the point of a great iron spike:
And here, almost against his will, he had to look at the face of the corpse. It was as it had been in life; no sign was visible of the promised redemption; what the others had found in the machine the Officer had not found; the lips were firmly pressed together, the eyes were open, with the same expression as in life, the look was calm and convinced, through the head went the point of the great iron spike. [3]
Kafka shows the irrational nature of the Law when the Harrow goes haywire. The world in which the Harrow once performed flawlessly in accordance with the established principles of science has become a world in which a rational, predictable system of justice is no longer wholly rational and no longer fully predictable. In a larger sense, for Kafka, the Law represents the world order, and at every turn in the labyrinth, Kafka undermines the belief in the existence of a world order that is rational and humane. Kafka concludes that the belief in a rational system of justice gives us a false sense of security. Just as the Officer was undone by the very machine he thought he knew so well, we are lulled into thinking that reason alone will insulate us from the irrational forces, which lay just beneath the surface.
Though it is tempting to be beguiled by the fantastic transformation of Gregor Samsa into a giant beetle, what deserves our attention is the force beneath which has the unfettered power to turn a man into an insect while the rest of the world sleeps. It’s the same force that flourishes in the shadows which feed off police artist charcoal sketches of missing children, distorted even further by age progression software; it revels in radioactive oatmeal fed by institutional Caesars to helpless retarded children and orphans; it dabbles in medicine, in dermatomyositis and polymyositis, rare skin and muscle diseases that cause a heart attack in a bruising 18 year-old running back; it patrols a Somali refugee camp at the turn of the millennium, stripping the inhabitants of any sense of promise or the worldwide moment, their time continuum beginning and ending with their last meal; it’s in the 1000 yard stare of a roadside memorial teddy bear marking the spot on the country road where two sweethearts’ innocent expectations of senior prom night were abruptly swindled from them by the utter futility of a single car crash. Kafka saw a more immense and darker evil than any rational legal system - no matter how extensive - could even begin to understand, let alone contain.
The nightmarish world in which a man finds himself suddenly transformed into a giant cockroach is the world in which we live. The macabre and distant penal colony — where the guilty learn their crime (only after it is too late), as it is inscribed on their body by a thousand judicious needles — mirrors the world in which the modern individual places blind faith in reason. The crucial lesson Kafka taught through his absurd stories is that man understands his own law only as he comprehends the "Law;" and with an inability to see beyond even the most conspicuous veneers, man’s inner self will remain as unfathomable as the Law. The inevitable result of such failure will be direr than Kafka portrayed, because while an impersonal bureaucracy can surely be oppressive, senior proms and oatmeal can be far more lethal.
[1] Franz Kafka, “In The Penal Colony” in Kafka, The Complete Stories (New York: Schocken Books, 1976) 150-1.
[2] Franz Kafka, “In The Penal Colony” in Kafka, The Complete Stories (New York: Schocken Books, 1976) 150-1.
[3] Franz Kafka, “In The Penal Colony” in Kafka, The Complete Stories (New York: Schocken Books, 1976) 166.
END OF SUBTERRANEAN KAFKA